Police and medical examination protocols were invented to make my work a lot easier. If all interrogated subjects would simply shut up during their whole medical examination and police interrogations, we would spend ages and ages looking for some compounds in their blood and urine - and even then hardly be able to find them. But no, most of the accused persons obviously tell quite frankly when exactly they ingested how much of which drug, medication and alcoholic beverage, so we just take the list, check for all the compounds, write a report, and that's it. Piece of cake.
But sometimes, these protocols are not only extremely helpful, but extremely entertaining as well, mostly because some police interrogations contain even the most irrelevant (and sometimes quite stupid) questions and answers. Of course, I do not at all want to keep some highlights from you - I do love my work (even more in moments like these):
- Do you take any drugs or medication? - "No drugs. Just some herbal mixtures for a better sleep." [blood and urine positive for cannabis]
- Do you take any drugs or medication? - "No drugs. Just some herbal mixtures for a better sleep." [blood and urine positive for cannabis]
- How did you get the car? - Well, I have been wondering that myself.
- Do you have an alcohol problem? - "My therapist says, I do have an alcohol problem. I, however, would rather say that it's chronic alcohol abuse." [oh, I see, everything's fine then]
- You left the roundabout without setting the blinker and used both your and the opposite lanes for the next 2 kms until you finally crashed. What do you say? - "I can't remember, but I do absolutely believe you."
- How was Mrs. X. when you got into the car with her? - "Well, you already know that Mrs. X. does not possess a drivers' license. And because of all the alcohol she had drunk she wasn't able to drive anyway." [so, I guess it was the autopilot who gave you a ride home, huh?]
- "I wanted to turn left and I saw a space. But then I suddenly realized it wasn't a space, it was another car. And I crashed into it." [oh, dear, another one of those nasty spaces which spontaneously turn themselves into cars]
- "tried cocaine on a family get-together" [in my family, we just eat a lot... what did I do wrong?]
- "I was feeling 90% able to drive" [fair enough, then we'll just put 90% of your blood alcohol level into the report, right?]
- Can you describe the men you got the drugs from? - "There were 3 of them, and the one with the cangaroo costume handed them over to me." [the Swiss police has been intensely looking for a drug dealing cangaroo ever since]
