Excerpts from everyday work

Police and medical examination protocols were invented to make my work a lot easier. If all interrogated subjects would simply shut up during their whole medical examination and police interrogations, we would spend ages and ages looking for some compounds in their blood and urine - and even then hardly be able to find them. But no, most of the accused persons obviously tell quite frankly when exactly they ingested how much of which drug, medication and alcoholic beverage, so we just take the list, check for all the compounds, write a report, and that's it. Piece of cake. 

But sometimes, these protocols are not only extremely helpful, but extremely entertaining as well, mostly because some police interrogations contain even the most irrelevant (and sometimes quite stupid) questions and answers. Of course, I do not at all want to keep some highlights from you - I do love my work (even more in moments like these):

- Do you take any drugs or medication? - "No drugs. Just some herbal mixtures for a better sleep." [blood and urine positive for cannabis]

- How did you get the car? - Well, I have been wondering that myself.

- Do you have an alcohol problem? - "My therapist says, I do have an alcohol problem. I, however, would rather say that it's chronic alcohol abuse." [oh, I see, everything's fine then]

- You left the roundabout without setting the blinker and used both your and the opposite lanes for the next 2 kms until you finally crashed. What do you say? - "I can't remember, but I do absolutely believe you."

- How was Mrs. X. when you got into the car with her? - "Well, you already know that Mrs. X. does not possess a drivers' license. And because of all the alcohol she had drunk she wasn't able to drive anyway." [so, I guess it was the autopilot who gave you a ride home, huh?]

- "I wanted to turn left and I saw a space. But then I suddenly realized it wasn't a space, it was another car. And I crashed into it." [oh, dear, another one of those nasty spaces  which spontaneously turn themselves into cars]

- "tried cocaine on a family get-together" [in my family, we just eat a lot... what did I do wrong?]

- "I was feeling 90% able to drive" [fair enough, then we'll just put 90% of your blood alcohol level into the report, right?]

- Can you describe the men you got the drugs from? - "There were 3 of them, and the one with the cangaroo costume handed them over to me." [the Swiss police has been intensely looking for a drug dealing cangaroo ever since]

The Swiss

The common Swiss is calm, reflective and peaceful – this might be misinterpreted as being slow. Ok, there is a joke about a snail picking competition where the Swiss participant ends up with an empty basket complaining: „Every time I saw a snail and was just about to bend down - whooooosh, it was gone.“ But if a Swiss expresses an opinion, both content and consequences are well reflected. Usually. Maybe except for the decision to publicly ban the further construcion of minarets. Completely caught by surprise by the many and controversial reactions from abroad, the media quickly changed to more important topics: The drawing of which teams are to play in which group at the 2010 soccer world cup. Besides identifying the Spanish team as a „very strong and hard to beat“ opponent, the yellow press friendly acknowledged Chile and Honduras with „you'll be converted into salsa“.

But except for these tiny little outbursts, the Swiss really are calm, reflective and peaceful. Apart from being meticulous and punctual – this might be misinterpreted as being picky and not flexible at all. Ok, it can happen that your Swiss floor neighbor is completely flabbergasted when you spontaneously offer to take two of the four shopping bags from his car up to the 5^th floor (where you are going anyway). Nonetheless, I was completely flabbergasted as well, when he rang 15 minutes later to say thanks. But – long live the SBB! - you know exactly what time it is by simply checking the timetable when a train arrives. I suspect, the atomic clock is adjusted by double checking with a Swiss train timetable. Delays, occurring only in connection with German, Italian, French or Austrian trains, are announced to the minute. However, a reason for the delay is never mentioned (maybe the fact that a foreign train is somehow involved is a good enough reason). Concerning this, the German railway company is much more creative. There is a high velocity train to Zürich on Sunday evenings leaving from Mannheim central station at (theoretically) 6.44 pm. Every time I want to take this train, it is announced to be 10 minutes late. In case of this train, ten minutes are equivalent to 12 to 45 minutes of real time. But every time the reason for the delay is a different one, work on the railways, accidents, engine failures, icy railways and connections to other trains. I suspect, every morning the Wheel of Fortune is turned at the German Railway Headquarters to yield „today's cause of delay“. And it's a pretty big wheel.

 Many things have been written about the Swiss dialect (translating this was a bit complicated, so I do hope it's not too confusing). I had been warned before that Swiss German is NOT German, nor does it sound like German or use German expressions. Nonetheless, some expressions are just hilarious. When asked if she would join for lunch, one of my colleagues answered: „Yes. Uhm, no, wait, I have to quickly make a telephone.“ 30 seconds later she was ready (MacGyver would really be proud of these technically talented Swiss, and not just because of the pocket knives). More confused I was when to my „Bless you“ the one who had sneezed answered: „thanks, bless you too“, or when my judo coach shouted „drill, drill, you have to drill“ (and meant „turn“). But what still confuses me every time I hear it, is the unnecessary „oder“ (like the English question tag „isn't it?“) at the end of a sentence. Usually, with the rhetorial question tag, someone wants to somehow address the conversation partner, or attract their attention, sometimes even get an opinion or at least some sign of consent, don't they? Well, that's what I thought as well in the beginning, politely uttering an „uhumm“ or nodding every time someone ended a sentence with „oder?“.

Until a (mentally completely healthy and not in the least demential) colleague started a lunch conversation with the words „Walter Frischknecht, that's my husband, isn't he?“ Before my mouth automatically mumbled „uhum“ I thought „Wait a minute, are you really asking me that?! Well, if you don't know, then who does?!“ And then I suddenly realized: the Swiss question tag at the end of a sentence is not rhetorical. It's just there (and people don't even notice how often they use it).

So, if you want to visit the nice city of St. Gallen (we even have a soccer club with real cheerleaders!) and draw a pole or a bucket of shorley or beer, you can just make me a quick telephone, can't you?