Excerpts from everyday work

Police and medical examination protocols were invented to make my work a lot easier. If all interrogated subjects would simply shut up during their whole medical examination and police interrogations, we would spend ages and ages looking for some compounds in their blood and urine - and even then hardly be able to find them. But no, most of the accused persons obviously tell quite frankly when exactly they ingested how much of which drug, medication and alcoholic beverage, so we just take the list, check for all the compounds, write a report, and that's it. Piece of cake. 

But sometimes, these protocols are not only extremely helpful, but extremely entertaining as well, mostly because some police interrogations contain even the most irrelevant (and sometimes quite stupid) questions and answers. Of course, I do not at all want to keep some highlights from you - I do love my work (even more in moments like these):

- Do you take any drugs or medication? - "No drugs. Just some herbal mixtures for a better sleep." [blood and urine positive for cannabis]

- How did you get the car? - Well, I have been wondering that myself.

- Do you have an alcohol problem? - "My therapist says, I do have an alcohol problem. I, however, would rather say that it's chronic alcohol abuse." [oh, I see, everything's fine then]

- You left the roundabout without setting the blinker and used both your and the opposite lanes for the next 2 kms until you finally crashed. What do you say? - "I can't remember, but I do absolutely believe you."

- How was Mrs. X. when you got into the car with her? - "Well, you already know that Mrs. X. does not possess a drivers' license. And because of all the alcohol she had drunk she wasn't able to drive anyway." [so, I guess it was the autopilot who gave you a ride home, huh?]

- "I wanted to turn left and I saw a space. But then I suddenly realized it wasn't a space, it was another car. And I crashed into it." [oh, dear, another one of those nasty spaces  which spontaneously turn themselves into cars]

- "tried cocaine on a family get-together" [in my family, we just eat a lot... what did I do wrong?]

- "I was feeling 90% able to drive" [fair enough, then we'll just put 90% of your blood alcohol level into the report, right?]

- Can you describe the men you got the drugs from? - "There were 3 of them, and the one with the cangaroo costume handed them over to me." [the Swiss police has been intensely looking for a drug dealing cangaroo ever since]

The Swiss

The common Swiss is calm, reflective and peaceful – this might be misinterpreted as being slow. Ok, there is a joke about a snail picking competition where the Swiss participant ends up with an empty basket complaining: „Every time I saw a snail and was just about to bend down - whooooosh, it was gone.“ But if a Swiss expresses an opinion, both content and consequences are well reflected. Usually. Maybe except for the decision to publicly ban the further construcion of minarets. Completely caught by surprise by the many and controversial reactions from abroad, the media quickly changed to more important topics: The drawing of which teams are to play in which group at the 2010 soccer world cup. Besides identifying the Spanish team as a „very strong and hard to beat“ opponent, the yellow press friendly acknowledged Chile and Honduras with „you'll be converted into salsa“.

But except for these tiny little outbursts, the Swiss really are calm, reflective and peaceful. Apart from being meticulous and punctual – this might be misinterpreted as being picky and not flexible at all. Ok, it can happen that your Swiss floor neighbor is completely flabbergasted when you spontaneously offer to take two of the four shopping bags from his car up to the 5^th floor (where you are going anyway). Nonetheless, I was completely flabbergasted as well, when he rang 15 minutes later to say thanks. But – long live the SBB! - you know exactly what time it is by simply checking the timetable when a train arrives. I suspect, the atomic clock is adjusted by double checking with a Swiss train timetable. Delays, occurring only in connection with German, Italian, French or Austrian trains, are announced to the minute. However, a reason for the delay is never mentioned (maybe the fact that a foreign train is somehow involved is a good enough reason). Concerning this, the German railway company is much more creative. There is a high velocity train to Zürich on Sunday evenings leaving from Mannheim central station at (theoretically) 6.44 pm. Every time I want to take this train, it is announced to be 10 minutes late. In case of this train, ten minutes are equivalent to 12 to 45 minutes of real time. But every time the reason for the delay is a different one, work on the railways, accidents, engine failures, icy railways and connections to other trains. I suspect, every morning the Wheel of Fortune is turned at the German Railway Headquarters to yield „today's cause of delay“. And it's a pretty big wheel.

 Many things have been written about the Swiss dialect (translating this was a bit complicated, so I do hope it's not too confusing). I had been warned before that Swiss German is NOT German, nor does it sound like German or use German expressions. Nonetheless, some expressions are just hilarious. When asked if she would join for lunch, one of my colleagues answered: „Yes. Uhm, no, wait, I have to quickly make a telephone.“ 30 seconds later she was ready (MacGyver would really be proud of these technically talented Swiss, and not just because of the pocket knives). More confused I was when to my „Bless you“ the one who had sneezed answered: „thanks, bless you too“, or when my judo coach shouted „drill, drill, you have to drill“ (and meant „turn“). But what still confuses me every time I hear it, is the unnecessary „oder“ (like the English question tag „isn't it?“) at the end of a sentence. Usually, with the rhetorial question tag, someone wants to somehow address the conversation partner, or attract their attention, sometimes even get an opinion or at least some sign of consent, don't they? Well, that's what I thought as well in the beginning, politely uttering an „uhumm“ or nodding every time someone ended a sentence with „oder?“.

Until a (mentally completely healthy and not in the least demential) colleague started a lunch conversation with the words „Walter Frischknecht, that's my husband, isn't he?“ Before my mouth automatically mumbled „uhum“ I thought „Wait a minute, are you really asking me that?! Well, if you don't know, then who does?!“ And then I suddenly realized: the Swiss question tag at the end of a sentence is not rhetorical. It's just there (and people don't even notice how often they use it).

So, if you want to visit the nice city of St. Gallen (we even have a soccer club with real cheerleaders!) and draw a pole or a bucket of shorley or beer, you can just make me a quick telephone, can't you?

Flora

My new heroine is called Flora. Flora is from Eastern Switzerland, from a little village called Herisau, and the perfect example that, despite living in a rural place with comparably little infrastructure, the combination of work, competitive racing, and family life is absolutely possible. Flora excels in her job and ranks among the top contributors in Switzerland in her field. Apart from that, Flora has 10 children, of them two pairs of twins, and in the past 10 years has raised every single one of them without having to struggle with restrictions concerning her working or competitive life. Her family situation has never been an obstacle to her career, and her children have more than anything helped her to constantly develop and improve in her field of work. 
 
MacGyver, my so far undefeated hero, somehow managed to save his and everyone else's butts in every imaginable scenario (and maybe even in the one on my T-shirt), but not with 10 kids around. That definitely would have led him to a heavy nervous breakdown and ended his career immediately. Flora, however, gives it all - mainly in terms of milk. 7500 kg a year, to be precise. Just that would have been a good enough reason to invite her as special guest and honorable representative of her species, Holstein speckled milk cow, to the OLMA (the Eastern Swiss agricultural and machine exhibition), our State Fair, and introduce her to important people. But apart from her job Flora disposes of multiple outstanding achievements in her highly competitive hobby, racing. Sponsored by the Red Bull racing stable and with a very elegant jockey, probably her owner, on her back she easily won the qualifying race and the final of the annual OLMA cow race, leaving all her competitors behind (here you can watch a video of the final). And opposite to her four-legged colleagues from the annual pig races, Flora does not have to fear being converted into a steak and ending up in an frying pan or on a barbecue within the next couple of months. No, not at all. Probably she will spend the next 10 years enjoying the Eastern Swiss air, happily grazing fields, raising a calf every once in a while, and through regular and successful competition bring honor and glory to her owner, the racing stable, and the little village of Herisau.
And maybe MacGyver, unemployed since the Berlin wall came down 20 years ago and surely bored to death ever since, should get himself a new job as a coach and manager for racing cows - and once a day clean the milking machine in the blink of an eye with a thoroughly balanced mixture of desinfectant, manure, hot oil and gun powder.

My big fat Greek project meeting

Hellas! I would now like to proclaim my deepest sympathy to all vegetarians who are in Greece at the moment - and sorry for getting on your nerves with this topic once more, won't ever happen again, I promise...

The Greek word for vegetarian (χορτοφάγοσ) means “green eater”, the “green” part can also be translated as “grass”, “weeds”, “vegetable” and “lawn”. If I had to name a place with even less comprehension for the I-do-not-eat-dead-animals concept than Spain, it would be definitely be Greece. This is not the only similarity between the two nations: the languages sound very similar (something that does not stop confusing me when I listen to a conversation, convinced I should understand something – and being absolutely clueless), the equally loud volume of conversation, the great enthusiasm for soccer, children living at their parents’ place until they marry (and mom then being offended that she cannot spoil them any more), most of the daily life takes place outdoors – except for the nap after lunch – every summer there are a couple of severe bush fires, and they even speak English with the very same accent. Plus, there's a general understanding that a plate without fish or meat cannot possibly soothe any kind of hunger and thus under no circumstances be considered a meal. Well, this was my first impression after the (much too short) five days I spent in Thessaloniki for a work package meeting of my EU funded project.

But back to the food. You might think there’s no vegetarian food in Greece - you're absolutely wrong! Ironically there is so much and delicious food without any fish or meat that my mouth spontaneously starts watering and my pants feel a tiny bit too tight every time I think of it. It's merely the definition of “no meat and no fish” that every once in a while leads to confusion, as shown in a typical scene of the (hilarious!) movie “My big fat Greek wedding”:

- “But, aunt Voula, Ian is a vegetarian, he does not eat meat.” – “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? ... [everyone in the room stares at her, shocked]… Oh, no problem, then I make lamb.“

Immediately after arriving at our 5 star beach ressort and spa (with its own yacht marina) on the Chalkidiki peninsula we had lunch; due to the financial crisis the menu had been reduced to only three courses. Yes, the EU has to tighten its (and its researchers’) belt. Our Greek coordinator, Katerina, had already mentioned the presence of a German vegetarian to the chief waiter and that Wendy from Maastricht was allergic to pork. No problem, replied the waiter in perfect English, lunch is 100% vegetarian anyway. Surprised by this announcement (and, I admit, a bit skeptical), I inquired for the details. The first course would be a salad with meatballs, followed by fried turkey breast and vegetables, then dessert and coffee. Ok. Hesitatingly I asked for a meatball free salad and a vegetable plate without turkey. To soothe the waiter’s concern about my persisting hunger, I suggested the turkey to be replaced by e.g. potatoes and sauce. No problem at all, lunch was perfect, 100% vegetarian and very tasty.

When Wendy and I entered the dinner hall later that day wearing T-Shirt, shorts and flip flops (by the way, Wendy’s supervisor was wearing the same outfit and spontaneously sent back to his room to change into suit and tie), our favorite waiter greeted us with a beaming smile on his face and proudly announced that dinner would be 100% vegetarian: a seafood salad followed by fish and, like before, dessert and coffee. His answer to my puzzled expression was: “You do eat fish, don’t you? Fish is no meat. Fish is 100% vegetarian. All vegetarians eat fish.“ I gave up, nodded and ate fish. It tasted rather fishy, but not as bad that it couldn’t be taken care of with some bigger amount of outstanding Greek white wine. In order not to waste any more tasty food, I peeled the three giant shrimps and auctioned them off at my end of the table for some extra dessert.

The next day during lunch – 100% vegetarian, just in case you were wondering – I wasn’t even asked any more whether or not I ate salmon. Apart from the already mentioned fishy taste it was pretty good. Our Greek coordinator frowned, asked since when I ate fish – hm, since yesterday’s dinner? – and could barely be stopped from getting the waiter into some big loud Greek 100% vegetarian trouble.

In the evening after our return to Thessaloniki I treated myself to a kilogram of 100% vegetarian cherries (worm free!), a 100% vegetarian roasted salty corn cob, and a 100% vegetarian Greek dessert. And, of course, to a 100% vegetarian ice cold Greek frappé – the world’s best coffee.

Next weekend, I’ll have a 100% vegetarian lunch at a Spanish wedding – with fish as the second course. And now will you please excuse me, I have to drink some ouzo, dance a sirtaki, eat my 100% vegetarian meal consisting of meatball stuffed lamb cordon bleu, a salmon shrimp cocktail, and a chicken salad on the side, and send a care package of tofu gyros to my fellow martyrs in Greece.

The baobab

At my last birthday at the end of march, I got a very unusual present, maybe the most unusual present I have ever been given so far. It was a small piece of wood, more like a branch of a tree, wrapped in a linen package with colorful African print, fair traded, bought from the one-world-shop in Tübingen, and coming directly from a tree nursery in Senegal (many thanks to my friends Doro and Sascha!). After a closer look it turned out to be a little baobab, to be planted into soil, and may it grow and florish. In the instruction it said: "Replant into potting soil. Place in full sunlight. Allow the soil to dry between two generous waterings and continue to water even if the baobab loses its leaves." This last sentence convinced me the tree would immediately lose every single leaf - that is, should it actually ever grow any in my presence, a.k.a. the death zone for plants of all kinds - and never be seen again sporting something green. Still very pessimistic I reluctantly looked for some soil, planted the baobab, watered it every once in a while, not without letting the soil dry first, and waited. Absolutely nothing happened.
At the beginning of july, I decided to grant the plant a grace period until Christmas before digging to look for roots in the soil and, in case of their continuing absence, replant it to the organic waste container.

The brochure that came with the tree read: "The baobab is the tree of long life and can accompany many generations. People meet in its shade to talk. Its old age makes him a companion of wise men and prophets of ancient times. The strength of those, it is said, who have once been sitting below the tree enters all those who do so afterwards." Well, I guess mine will be the first baobab to die away after a short and miserable period of life and without ever having cast a single shadow.

Well, who needs baobabs anyway, in addition to their even being most dangerous. The "Little Prince" more than once speaks out a warning about them and their - haha - unstoppable seeming growth. In chapter 5 you can read the following: “Now there were some terrible seeds on the planet that was the home of the little prince; and these were the seeds of the baobab. […] ‘A baobab is something you will never, never be able to get rid of if you attend to it too late. It spreads over the entire planet. […] Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day. But when it is a matter of baobabs, that always means a catastrophe. I knew a planet that was inhabited by a lazy man. He neglected three little bushes . . .’ […] I do not much like to take the tone of a moralist. But the danger of the baobabs is so little understood, […] that for once I am breaking through my reserve. 'Children,' I say plainly, 'watch out for the baobabs!' My friends, like myself, have been skirting this danger for a long time, without ever knowing it; and so it is for them that I have worked so hard over this drawing.”

So, maybe it would be best to get rid of the stupid plant, and it better be sooner than later. On the other hand, this would not be very polite – it was a birthday present after all…

But then summer came, and two weeks later I saw some tiny green dots and was absolutely convinced the tree was about to grow some leaves any time soon (nothing but wishful thinking, of course). The next time I checked, a couple of minute green leaves were visible, and that was the beginning of a story of success. Three days later, both size and number of leaves had doubled, and after a month the little plant had grown into what already looked a bit like a tree. By now, I can’t wait to check, day after day, how my little tree grows and grows and grows and grows, it is growing new leaves like crazy and obviously enjoys doing so. Maybe now would be a really good moment to eradicate and dispose of this evil piece of nature with roots and soil and everything that has ever been within a 5 feet radius of it – but unfortunately, it has already grown into my heart…

In case you’re looking for me, I’m resting in the shade of the baobab, letting strength and wisdom enter my body and mind, putting off some piece of work until another day, and waiting for the first blossom (due in 8-10 years – according to Wikipedia).

Traveling vegetarians

For almost 13 years now I have not eaten either meat or fish; it all started out with a pretty stupid bet with my sister. Meanwhile, more than anything else, I simply got used to it. During the rare occasions where I (accidentally or out of politeness or laziness) ingested meat, it mainly tasted salty, but was not able to significantly improve the overall impression of the respective meals. After all, there is no convincing reason to purposely start eating meat or fish again, as long as my personal vampires provide me with iron pills after the blood donations to increase my record low hematocrit values (never without adding “Oh, dear, still vegetarian?”).
Every once in a while I embark in the difficult (and tiresome) mission to explain and repeat to people (mainly of Spanish origin), how and why a person can voluntarily and without any medical or obvious reason abstain from such delicious, healthy, tasty and important nutrients like chorizo, bacon, ham, fish, brats, schnitzel and steak, even though one just LOVED it as a teenager. Arguments like mad cow disease, porcine and poultry pest, avian and porcine flu, scrapies, cloned cows and high levels of antibiotics in meat and PCBs or heavy metals in fish have become old and boring – after all, convincing counter arguments exist: pesticides, genetically manipulated vegetables, and tasteless tofu (tasteless but for the sauce it is fried in) whose fabrication procedure and ingredients no one really wants to know.
On the get together evening of the Goslar conference finger food was served. The vegetarian contribution to the first load, grapes and cheese cubes on toothpicks or sliced vegetables in yoghurt dip, was approximately 10% of the total amount of food and disappeared within seconds (I somehow managed to get three pieces of each). The vegetarian share of the second load was 15 chips with one tablespoon of salsa – which I made disappear in record-breaking time. All that remained were sausages, fish, mini schnitzels, meatballs and pork loin. And my stomach making grumpy noises that were almost louder than Prof. Eisenmenger from Munich telling anecdotes from his 30+ years as a medical examiner. Politeness and general interest in his stories quickly discarded the go-out-and-have-a-quick-vegetarian-kebap-option and left me in a catch-22 situation: stay hungry or eat meat (judged by their looks, fish and sausages were not really an option). After the next demanding roar from my stomach I courageously grabbed a piece of pork loin. It tasted just like I remembered it. Only a bit saltier. After the fourth piece my stomach finally calmed down, and a slightly nauseous feeling made me decide to stop the meat feast immediately and for the time being.
The next challenge came with my vacation and the flight to Iowa, where shortly before landing in Chicago the tasty United Airlines breakfast was announced. With a spontaneous cramp my stomach reminded me of the oily and incredibly sweet donut I had been served last time. But surprisingly UA had decided to switch to a healthier breakfast: a chocolate bar, a package of potato chips, and a spongy bread roll with a slice of cheese and a slice of what could have been cooked ham wrapped in plastic. Yummie! I mentioned to the friendly flight assistant that I had ordered a vegetarian meal – and the bread roll was immediately replaced by a second package of chips. While I still asked myself whether or not it would have been better to simply remove the slice of ham from the bread roll, my seat neighbor discovered that the bread roll had been packed on February, 18th, and we wondered which exotic places it might have traveled in the past six weeks. Just a little later she noticed that the bread roll package also said “best before 09/2009” – and was really happy she got it in april and not in august. Thanks, United! On my return flight Lufthansa served me a lactose-free dinner: chicken with rice, instead of pasta with tomato sauce like for all other passengers. Dear Lufthansa, the terms “ovo-lacto vegetarian” and “lactose-free” do have different meanings, go look it up. After a short complaint and explanation the chicken was replaced. Thanks, Lufthansa, great job!
In Iowa Tomasz told me that one kilogram of pork could, by adding brine and spices to cover the watery taste, miraculously be converted into up to seven kilograms of ham. Thanks a lot, Tomasz, for providing me with another convincing argument to not change my habit of refraining from meat!
And now will you please excuse me, my next meal is wilting.

The German text on the picture translates to "Vegetarians protect the climate" - and the guy belongs to the German hip-hop group Die Fantastischen Vier (The Fantastic Four).

Are you suffering from conference sleepiness?

You are at the 35^th annual meeting of the German Society of Traffic Medicine in Goslar.
How prone are you to doze off or fall asleep in one of the following situations?
Please evaluate yourself on a scale from 0 (not likely) to 3 (very probable), and add all your points.

1. During your journey to Goslar with a train departing from Heidelberg main station at 5.47 a.m.
2. During the welcome speech of the meeting president, Prof. Dr. Whatshisname (or something like that)
3. At the lunch buffet
4. While the big band of the local high school is playing
5. During the speech of the honorary guest, the German Minister for the Environment, about, uhm, something related to the environment I guess...
   
6. In the youth hostel’s TV room after the conference dinner with buffet and free drinks
7. During your city shopping trip combined with a guided tour of Goslar’s oldest church and an organ concert
8. During the 4^th presentation in the session “Day sleepiness and driving a vehicle” with the title “wide awake behind the wheel”

We appreciate your participation in this survey!

Evaluation:

0-9 points:

You show surprisingly few signs of meeting sleepiness. Either you are new or highly motivated, you have one or more presentations, you are one of the lovely persons in charge of organization, reception or the wardrobe, your were a tiny bit too generous with your morning coffee dose or had too many refills during the coffee breaks, or you accidentally mistook your amphetamines for vitamines.

10-12 points:

You suffer from borderline meeting sleepiness. You are in constant ambiguity between forced wakeful politeness with the necessary fake interest and the standby mode your brain wants to be shut down to. Talk with your competent colleagues about your conference sleepiness, and maybe there’s a workshop you can all participate in.

13-24 points:

What the heck are you doing on a meeting?! You desperately need some sleep! Go to bed DIRECTLY, do not detour for a quick look at the buffet, and don’t even think of confusing speakers by eventually snoring during their presentations. Do not consider attending another meeting until your meeting sleepiness has been successfully treated. Stop wasting your department’s traveling funds.

Similarities to the AAA questionnaire about day sleepiness are pure coincidence. And one of the pictures was, of course, just a pose and not taken spontaneously.